How can the consideration of the depths of sin bring anything but greater misery?

~John Owen, from "The Nature of Mortification" as published in "Overcoming Sin and Temptation," p. 105

"Bring your lust to the gospel - not for relief, but for further conviction of its guilt (!); look on him whom you have pierced [Zech. 12:10; John 19:37], and be in bitterness. Say to your soul:

What have I done? What love, what mercy, what blood, what grace have I despised and trampled on! Is this the return I make to the Father for his love, to the Son for his blood, to the Holy Ghost for his grace? Do I thus requite the Lord? Have I defiled the heart that Christ died to wash, that the blessed Spirit has chosen to dwell in? And can I keep myself out of the dust? What can I say to the dear Lord Jesus? How shall I hold my head up with any boldness before him? Do I account communion with him of so little value, that for this vile lust's sake I have scarce left him any room in my heart? How shall I escape if I neglect so great a salvation? In the meantime, what shall I say to the Lord? Love, mercy, grace, goodness, peace, joy, consolation -- I have despised them all, and esteemed them as a thing of naught, that I might harbor a lust in my heart. Have I obtained a view of God's fatherly countenance, that I might behold his face and provoke him to his face? Was my soul washed, that room might be made for new defilements? Shall I endeavor to disappoint the end of the death of Christ? Shall I daily grieve the Spirit whereby I am sealed to the day of redemption?

Entertain your conscience daily with this treaty. See if it can stand before this aggravation of its guilt. If this make it not sink in some measure and melt, I fear your case is dangerous."

~

**A personal note, dear reader: I have been challenged by some of my well-meaning friends to consider that such an aggressive, and dare I say BRUTAL assault on my own sin, lust, and inclination toward the idol of my Self would otherwise lead me to despair. And I will readily confess, I have a tendency towards "depression." In truth, the reading of this book [Overcoming Sin and Temptation] with all of its brutal honesty about the unwavering intensity of sin - which does still rise up against its enemy God in the heart of the believer - has had the effect of leading me into a greater FREEDOM in Christ. You may think this ironic - but it is not as though the above kind of instruction inspires a person to WALLOW in their despair. Rather it is the intentional cultivating of a godly sorrow which leads to REPENTANCE and revives again for the soul the consideration of Him, Christ - who is lovely to behold! More to be desired; this Desire of Nations! - and because, precisely, he has made an END to all my sin, and I stand RIGHTEOUS in him before the Father.

In truth, too WEAK a view of the vileness and pervasiveness of our sin, I think, leaves us with too WEAK a view of our Savior and the grace that he has poured out on his own to redeem us from the mastery of this evil enemy! And an enemy which is by nature implanted in our own hearts and souls and so we can never escape it! We MUST be "rescued" from ourselves! (It is true - I am my own worst enemy!) But praise be to God, in Christ Jesus, because he has established the means of my redemption, he has anchored it in the blood of Jesus from before the foundations of the world; and he has set his affection on me in Christ, having numbered my days before, as yet, there was even one of them!

So I am learning to wash Jesus' feet with my tears - to be QUICK to cry out "God, have mercy on me, a sinner!" My "depression" is only usually evidence that I am reverting again to a "works-based" theology, somehow trying in myself to bring God pleasure when in truth that very relying on my own self effort is what brings him such grief.

It is only when I finally yield myself up - God help me, I would do it in every breath! but I cannot! - so that at every moment I am truly abiding IN him, walking WITH him, pleading TO him, resting and depending ON him - that I THEN experience not merely true "freedom" from my sin, but my JOY and DELIGHT in my Savior is so magnified as to be veritably rapturous to my soul!

It is not as though meanly pursuing the understanding of the depths of the wickedness of my own soul (left to its own nature and devices) brings me greater sorrow - except that it, by God's grace, leads me into greater repentance, and therefore makes me fit - because it has made me empty of myself, and humble! - to finally receive God's forgiveness and grace. Ultimately, this brings me immeasurable pleasure as I am made, at last, to Rejoice in God my Savior - for he has poured out of himself to bring me righteousness, because he has brought ME to the Gospel, to the cross of Christ, and I can boast in no other!

so help me God.**